I was married for 80 years, she said. We had a lovely home that we put our heart and soul in building together. My husband passed away last year, I’ve lost him, and I’ve lost my home as well. It’s hard living in a nursing home now. I miss my husband and I miss my home. Everyone who works here provides me with reasons why I should be happy. “At least you have children who visit you” and “You are very healthy, you can be happy about that.” I know these things are true, however these comments make me feel lonely and all alone.
But then I met you and you listened to my stories, my many stories of the life that I shared with my husband. In our 80 years together, there are so many stories. I spent most of my life with him. He was and still is part of me. I long for him and I long for the life we shared together. I appreciate that I can tell you about my life, my home, my husband, and how much I miss all of it. It’s all gone now. I am grateful to you for listening to my stories and more than anything, I am most grateful for one big reason:
“You let me be sad”
She continued: “I feel understood. You don’t say things with the intention to make me ‘feel better’. I don’t feel so lonely when you listen to me. I feel connected to you. Thank you.”
This was a story shared with me by the person who was the ‘listener’. I remember how moved I felt: it gave me chills up and down my spine.
From Sadness to Connection:
I was reminded of this story recently when my grandson visited me. (Hang in there with me, I will make the connection as to why I was reminded of this story.) He is six years old. We have such fun together. He loves to run with our dog, Chloe. We play all sorts of games together. We always love the “hello’s” which are met with a tight, warm embrace. We dread the ‘goodbyes’.
This time in particular as my grandson was leaving, he expressed his sadness. His shoulders were hunched over, he looked at me as his eyes welled up with tears, and then he said, “I’m sad to leave”. As you can imagine, it breaks my heart to see him sad. And it’s almost instinctual to want to make him feel better. I wanted to say, “We will see each other again soon!” But instead, as he walked toward the door I said to him, “I’m sad with you and I’ll walk to the car being sad with you.” I hunched my shoulders like his, I had a frown on my face, I held his hand and we walked to the car. Within seconds, he looked at my frowning face and laughed. I laughed too. In that moment, it was so clear to me that as I joined him in his sadness, he felt understood and connected to me. The minute he felt understood, he was able to laugh.
The Power of Joining Another:
There is something beautiful that happens when someone joins us in our experience and in our emotions. We feel loved. We feel connected. We feel understood. And it is only when we feel that our pain is understood, through the act of someone joining us, only then might we feel that we can slowly make our way out of our pain. Otherwise, we stay there until someone, anyone, joins us and understands us. It isn’t that we want to stay rooted in our sadness, of course we want to move on from these feelings of pain and sadness. It’s just that sometimes we need help from others. We need to feel connected and understood: THAT is what makes us ‘feel better’.
Why do so many not join another person in their sadness or pain?
It is not because of lack of care, it’s because most of us do not know how to respond to someone else’s sadness or pain. Many are at a loss to know what to say. Another reason is that it is painful to witness someone who is sad or in pain. Our natural caring instinct is to want to make them ‘feel better’. However, it is that act of attempting to make someone ‘feel better’ that leaves them feeling alone and lonely in their pain. If a person does not feel understood, their response is either to be silent and withdraw within themselves, or to explain or defend why they are sad. Have you ever had to defend why you feel sad? Most people have had this experience. It leaves us feeling alone.
Here is some guidance for you if you want to join another in their sadness/pain. This will also help you share with others what you require if you need someone to join you in your pain.
For example, if you don’t know what to say to someone just tell them that. Tell them that you wish you had the words but that you are listening, and you are there for them. Let them know that you care about what they are feeling and going through, and while you may not know what to say you will try to respond in a way that is helpful to them. This way they know and understand your true intention.
Also, responses such as “I’m so sorry that this is so painful for you” or “I’m grateful that you shared your sadness with me” or “I can’t imagine how painful that must be for you” are helpful. Be sure though that your response is authentic, otherwise it will be felt as insincere.
One final thought:
As you attempt to join someone in their sadness, know that it will feel uncomfortable. We feel helpless when someone is sad. That’s another reason why we try to make them feel better. We want to feel as if we are doing something, anything, to help. But remember, our good intentions to help will often fall flat. To be helpful is to be present with someone, to listen, and it is perfectly fine if you don’t understand what they are going through. It is the willingness to listen to their sadness that is the act of being helpful and loving.
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If you want to learn more about relationships – I wrote this for you “Ten Essential Things I’ve Learned About Marriage & Relationships” I’ve included the lesson that saved my marriage. I care about the work that I put out to you, and I hope you find it helpful. Let me know!
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Details of any stories told in my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people that I work with in therapy.
Photo Credit: Mike Johnston@flickr.com