Have you ever had anyone chat with you while standing in your personal space? Or had the experience of someone talking endlessly and not being able to get a word in? Or have someone ask you countlessly to do something for them? And do you struggle to say ‘no’ to others? And feel guilty if you say ‘no’? These are examples of physical and emotional boundaries. Do you feel confident creating boundaries? It’s hard sometimes.
Healthy boundaries are needed for all of our relationships, and yet, they can be complicated. There are boundaries that are black and white, meaning very clear. Obviously, inappropriate touch is a black and white boundary. It should never happen. But there are boundaries that are in the gray zone. Let’s look at boundaries that are a bit more complex and can fall into the gray zone.
Boundaries in Relationships
When discussing boundaries, most of us understand what is meant by ‘physical’ boundaries. You know that awful feeling you get when someone is standing in your personal space. Or when someone touches you inappropriately. These are clear violations of our physical boundaries.
However, equally important are ‘emotional’ boundaries and they are necessary to create and maintain a healthy relationship. But, like I said, boundaries are complex and a bit tricky. For example, some say that the inability to say ‘no’ is an unhealthy boundary. And sometimes this is true. However, all of us need to decide our boundaries. This means that there may be times in one’s life when saying ‘no’, even when we desire to do so, is not something we are able to do. There will be times when those close to you have a stronger need depending on what they are going through in their life. It is understandable in these cases to not be able to say no, even if it takes a toll on you. However, this is when it can get complicated. Let me explain with a personal story.
A Personal Example of Complex Boundaries
I had someone in my life who was very important to me. This person was a close friend, and, in some ways, I felt I owed him a debt of gratitude for several reasons. But, at the same time, I did realize that this was probably not the case. I was mutually very giving throughout our friendship.
He became ill and likely would not recover. He did live for a few years after he became ill, however, his only capacity was the ability to chat on the phone. He was not mobile. I called him a few times a week, sometimes more, and spoke for a long time to help with his loneliness. I wanted to be there for him and yet, I had a full and busy life. I did what I could based on wanting to be supportive but also partly out of guilt.
I began to realize that the giving of my time and emotional support was taking a toll on me. I decided that I could not dedicate the same amount of time to our friendship. I shared my concern with my friend (not an easy thing to do). I was fortunate that he acknowledged that because of his loneliness, and enjoyment of our friendship he was taking for me granted and, in some ways, he also recognized that he was unintentionally making comments that would guilt me into sharing of my time. During the course of our friendship, he would never take me for granted or guilt me. But, we are all human and his need was strong.
My friend has since passed away (I miss him terribly). I am so grateful that I was able to share my feelings with him, and create healthy boundaries. We were able to work out a way where I could be supportive that felt good for both of us.
“Healthy boundaries are meant to create a deepened connection”
It is important to understand that if we don’t have boundaries, being supportive can become corrosive to the relationship. Therefore, boundaries are beneficial for both parties. And it is always best if you can sort it out together. You see, setting boundaries preserved our friendship. In regard to my relationship, timing was important. I knew that in the beginning of my friend’s illness, boundaries could not and should not be created. My friend simply needed considerably more from me at that time. At some point, most people will know when something needs to shift.
This is one small example regarding the complexity of boundaries. Let’s look at a different area in which boundaries can be an issue: in conflict.
Boundaries in conflict:
Have you ever said these statements or something similar? Or have they been said to you? Most people have made at least one of these statements at some point in their lives and do so because they don’t want to accept being treated in a particular way.
~ Don’t talk to me that way.
~ You need to get out of the house.
~ Don’t call me names.
~ Stop doing that.
Statements such as these are an attempt to create boundaries within our relationships during conflict. Meaning that we are trying to communicate that something is unacceptable to us. Perhaps you are standing your ground or drawing a line in the sand as to what you will and won’t accept in your relationship. However, the approach of ‘telling someone what to do’ rarely works and more so, it can escalate an already volatile situation.
How to create boundaries during conflict:
Let’s talk about how to approach a challenging situation in a way that will ultimately be better for both of you and your relationship. Like I said, we tend to think of setting limits or boundaries as ‘telling someone what or what not to do’, however we have absolutely no control over what someone will or won’t do. We do however, have control over ourselves.
Of course, it is always best if you can share things that upset you with your partner and that they respond in kind. However, if this is not the case, you must always consider what choices you have in a situation.
For example, if your partner is angry and yelling, you might be inclined to tell them to stop. If they don’t stop, a boundary would be ‘letting them know that you would like to talk calmly, and you are going to go for a walk, or something similar, so that both of you can talk again when you feel better equipped to do so.
The most important thing to know about boundaries is this:
“Creating a boundary is something ‘you’ choose to do, not something that you tell someone else to do”
And the second most important thing to know is that when you make a choice to do something it is not meant to be ‘against’ your partner. Meaning, if you take a walk, or a time-out from this situation, this is not meant to be a punishment toward your partner. It is meant to communicate “I’m not comfortable with being yelled at but I do want to talk with you when we are calm.” And consider this, in the example of a partner ‘yelling’, he or she may feel out of control. Creating a boundary helps them gain control which can be helpful to them.
Remember, the best boundaries are ones that you can negotiate together but if that is not something you are able to do, the only choices you can make are the ones that you have control over. Ask yourself “what can I do right now?”
Finally, remember that you are making choices for a healthier relationship for both of you. Boundaries are not meant to create disconnection. It is actually the opposite. Healthy boundaries create closeness and connection. They are only meant to invite a healthier relationship for both of you!
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If you want to learn more about relationships – I wrote this for you “Ten Essential Things I’ve Learned About Marriage & Relationships” I’ve included the lesson that saved my marriage. I care about the work that I put out to you, and I hope you find it helpful. Let me know!
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Details of any stories told in my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people that I work with in therapy.
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