All of us are born into this world needing the same thing, and that is:
“We need to be loved”
If we are not loved as infants, we do not thrive. The need to be loved is something that all of us have in common with one another. Consider this: Simply loving one’s child is not enough, but it is love that motivates a person to care for their infant’s needs. A caregiver works hard to meet the needs of their child. A caregiver shows their love by agonizing over trying to understand what a cry means or why their child won’t sleep or won’t eat! (And this list is endless). More so, you take the time and effort to get to know your infant, you learn what makes them happy, what upsets them, what makes them laugh and cry, what frightens them, and it is through all of this, that you grow a deepened, loving bond together. And a caregiver does this despite how exhausted they might be – this is love and this is work. Let’s look at why it is necessary to do the work in our adult relationships to meet our need to be loved.Love & Work in Adult Relationships:
Let’s look at the need to be loved as adults and the work that goes with it. And, let me just say that infants are clearly far less complicated than adults. Obviously it is easier to do the work to grow a deepened, loving bond with an infant because infants love you unconditionally, and they are completely dependent on you, and essentially we have no choice but to do the work! This motivates us to learn how to take care of our infant in the best possible way, and we do the work that we need to do for our beloved infant so that they may thrive. When we become adults, the idea of ‘working’ in our adult relationship is daunting. Even for me! And if I’m honest, I have many moments that I find it exhausting. But at the same time, I love the learning and growing, and enjoy the peace that I feel when I gain an understanding of my husband and myself. However, as adults we spend most of our day working, whether you go to work, work from home, or you are a stay at home Mom or Dad – we work and we work hard. We are usually exhausted at the end of a workday so the thought or idea that a relationship is work, well, that just seems like too much.“And yet, it is that lack of working in our relationships that leads to harder, more challenging relationships”
And ultimately life is harder. And while some might say “that’s why I live alone!”, it is often the case that our relationships help us thrive in life. Loneliness is the root of so much pain. We are hardwired for love and connection. I understand that many thrive in life without a relationship but for those who want to be in one, it is the work that you do in a relationship that will help you gain a happier life together. It might help to break down the word ‘work’. It can mean effort, learning, growing, investing, and so on. Perhaps that sounds a bit better than the word ‘work’! If you are in a relationship, you do some of this work already. However, there is a difference between actively learning how to do the work and flying by the seat of our pants.What is the work?
Keep in mind that as I describe the work, effort, learning and so on, most of us are untrained in these areas. And if you think about it, who would want to work on something when we are untrained to do so? That just leads to feeling inadequate, fearful, frustrated, and helpless. And just as we do for an infant – we need to know and understand in our adult relationships what makes us happy (and our partner), what upsets us, what hurts us, what makes us laugh and cry, what frightens us, and so on. The work in adult relationships is both individual and relational. How many of us have had classes in self-awareness? Or classes in learning and understanding how painful past experiences impact you in your current relationships? Or have you had classes in learning how to communicate or navigate conflict? I’ll stop here so I don’t overwhelm you! But these areas are the ‘work’ in a relationship.“The work that we do moves us toward understanding, which leads us to staying in love and a deepened connection”
And it isn’t so much that people don’t want to do the work – it is that many don’t recognize that a relationship is work and even more so, how to do the work. And yet, we cannot exist passively in a relationship; we need to be actively engaged in the work of a relationship for love and happiness to continue and thrive.The benefits of work:
Life is hard. Doing the work of a relationship will benefit every aspect of your life. Does anyone enjoy the challenges of a relationship? Probably not! But learning and then knowing what to do in a relationship will lead to a more peaceful existence. Like I said, would you take a job that you have little or no training in? How would you feel in that job with little or no training? Knowing how to grow in a relationship will guide you toward feeling competent in knowing what to do when challenges arise (and they will), and confident that the two of you can manage what you go through together. The ‘work’ that you do in your relationship will lead to better relationships at home with not only your partner but also your children, and extended family. Work relationships can improve, or you can at least have a better understanding of the challenges at hand, and you can have more enjoyable friendships. Remember what I said about one of the commonalities that all of us share? All of us need to be loved. Learning how to work in a relationship will give you the best benefit of all: being loved and loving others so that they feel loved by you.Need help?
I have worked with many couples and after they get through a challenging time in their relationship they then come in on an “as needed” basis. They have learned not to wait until they are in crisis. I admire their ability to recognize when they get stuck on an issue and need some guidance to move forward. They are awesome!! It is very challenging to see a solution or gain an understanding of one another when you are up close and personal. Sometimes we need distance. As a therapist, I can see the things that will move a couple forward in their relationship easier than I can in my relationship! Consider this: if you look at your hand an inch from your face – it is blurred and unclear. If you move it back 12 inches you can see it clearly. Up close in relationships can make things harder to see and distance can provide clarity. Keep in mind, if you choose to talk to another person (i.e. friend or family) as a source of distance, please be sure that they know how to navigate the tightrope of supporting you and at the same time supporting your partner. By support, I mean ‘understanding’ both sides. Otherwise, you will not experience the learning that is needed in a relationship; you will only experience a stronger position against your partner, which will never result in a deepened love and connection. And like I said, the need to be loved is something that all of us have in common. The work is worth it to meet our need to be loved.* * * * *
If you want to learn more about relationships – I wrote this for you “Ten Essential Things I’ve Learned About Marriage & Relationships” I’ve included the lesson that saved my marriage. I care about the work that I put out to you, and I hope you find it helpful. Let me know! Subscribe (to the right) to keep up with my writing on relationships, random thoughts and more. And know that I respect your email privacy. One more thing… I really would love for you to share your thoughts with me. It’s not easy to do, I understand because it took me a long time to work up the courage to begin blogging! But I want to get to know you. When you feel ready, please feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comment section. And, if you would like me to blog about a specific topic – let me know! If you think this blog will help a friend, please share it with them or share it on Facebook and Twitter! Details of any stories told in my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people that I work with in therapy. Photo Credit: Danielle Elder@flickr.com