All of us need to be listened to, heard, and understood. There is no doubt in my mind that most people have not been taught the skill of ‘how to listen’.
In my last blog, I discussed the value of listening and being present with someone in their sadness/pain. And if you have been reading my blog (well, thank you!), you know that I am passionate about being able to share what we go through while feeling heard and understood.
And yet, there is another consideration that we rarely discuss, and that is learning how to talk/share/or communicate what we go through with another person so that there is a better chance of being listened to by them. By this statement I mean that there are ways to share with others what we go through that provide us with a better chance of being heard.
~ Just to note: In this blog, I do not refer to the urgency in sharing that comes with a tragedy for example. I’m referring to day-to-day sharing.
First things First:
Begin by asking your listener if it is a good time to listen to you. This is even more important if it is your spouse. The phrase, “I need to talk with you” will often send chills up and down one’s spine and not in a good way! It’s better to say, “I would really love to talk with you about something that I’m going through at work and your reassurance is helpful.” I know that for me, when it comes to my loved ones, I have times when I’m in a good space to listen and times when I’m not. I want to be in a good space to listen so being asked is helpful. That being said, it is hard to tell someone that you are not in a good space to listen to them. There are times when the simple act of asking will shift a person to a better space to be able to listen. But if not, one can say: “I really want to be present and listen to you, but I need a bit of time to decompress from my day. Can we chat in an hour?”What is your need?
Another thing to consider is to ask yourself what you need from the listener. Do you need to solve a problem with guidance from them? Do you need to connect and feel understood? Do you need to ‘think out loud’ so that you can sort out your own problem? Do you need support? Do you need reassurance? You can tell your listener what you need so that they are a bit clearer of the expectation of them. I remember a time when I said to my husband, “I just really need to hear my thoughts out loud so that I can sort out my problem”, and his response was “Oh good, now I know what to do!” It was clear to him then that I wasn’t looking for ‘problem solving’ which is his go-to choice as a listening response. He is less inclined to listen with a ‘problem solving’ response when I share what I need from him.Next, consider these ideas:
Venting vs. Dumping:
As the listener, I can feel the difference between when a person is ‘venting’ and when they are ‘dumping’. If someone is dumping, it feels as if the speaker is not aware that I am listening. Kind of like if I were on the phone, I could set the phone down and they would never know it. When someone is simply dumping, they overwhelm you with many issues. They might be doing a lot of blaming, and not open to exploring their part in what is going on. They might repeat the same thing again and again. They don’t let you speak or contribute to the conversation. Venting on the other hand is ‘getting something of your chest’. It is time limited. It is when you just need to get it out. You express accountability for your part and you are open-minded. You, for the most part, stick to one topic as opposed to a download. If you need to download, which is sometimes the case, it is helpful to journal/write it out so that you can get it out of your system. At this point, you can communicate to your listener in a better place.Keep it shorter rather than longer:
Listeners may find it difficult to keep up with a long and detailed story. The listener can become overwhelmed with the specifics of your story. And very often the details do not add value to what it is that you are sharing. While details may be important to you, your main goal is to be heard!Allow for a dialogue:
There are times when someone is sharing a story with me (I’m not referring to therapy, as that’s a different setting for different things to take place) and I find that I am in the position of ‘only listening’. I am not a participant in the conversation. This is not because I do not want to participate, it is because the ‘speaker’ has not allowed space for me to participate in the conversation. Allow space for your listener to respond. A listener needs to feel part of the conversation. They want to feel that they are helpful in some way. And like I said, if there is not a dialogue, it becomes ‘dumping’.Be mindful of the listener:
Keep in mind the needs of the listener. It is challenging to know how to respond to someone when they are upset. It is increasingly challenging when we haven’t learned how to listen. Therefore, the listener may have the best of intentions but not have the best or helpful response to you. Perhaps this is when we can extend latitude of understanding. Again, this provides the best opportunity for you to be heard. It is also important to remember to be mindful of our tone. When we are very upset, our tone may change. And while it is certainly difficult to be mindful of our tone when we are upset, it is helpful for the listener. Calm tones are easier on the ear. Finally, please keep in mind that you can do everything right as the communicator, but this does not mean that your need to feel heard and understood will happen. Like I said, most people have not been taught the challenging skill of ‘listening’. However, the suggestions in this blog will guide you toward being a good communicator so that you can work toward the very important goal of being heard and understood.* * * * *
If you want to learn more about relationships – I wrote this for you “Ten Essential Things I’ve Learned About Marriage & Relationships” I’ve included the lesson that saved my marriage. I care about the work that I put out to you, and I hope you find it helpful. Let me know! Subscribe (to the right) to keep up with my writing on relationships, random thoughts and more. And know that I respect your email privacy. One more thing… I really would love for you to share your thoughts with me. It’s not easy to do, I understand because it took me a long time to work up the courage to begin blogging! But I want to get to know you. When you feel ready, please feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comment section. And, if you would like me to blog about a specific topic – let me know! If you think this blog will help a friend, please share it with them or share it on Facebook and Twitter! Details of any stories told in my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people that I work with in therapy. Photo Credit: Wei Chang@flickr.com