When a relationship is in trouble, many believe that communication is the problem. And while it is true that communication does create challenges, it’s a bit more complicated than you may think. It is important to know that communication is more than just a skill. Yes, it is helpful to learn the necessary skill of communicating, however today
I’m going to share the complications of communicating that surface in everyone’s relationship.
I have blogged about communication challenges in the past so let’s revisit a few of my blogs that will guide you toward understanding what I believe are the least talked about challenges that complicate communication.
The first, and perhaps the most complicated, are emotional triggers. You can read my blog, Emotional Triggers Impact all of our Relationships, what are they?, and you will learn what exactly an emotional trigger is and how to manage them.
The question is: how do our triggers complicate communication? Well, emotional triggers can be experienced at any time and we rarely know when our partner has bumped into a trigger.
Have you and/or your partner experienced a strong, emotional reaction during conflict? And the reaction does not seem to match the matter at hand? Or have one of you lashed out, or found it difficult to forgive? Or do you withdraw for an extended period of time after conflict? Do you find that you are having a difficult time letting something go? If you answer yes to any of these questions, it is likely that an emotional trigger has been opened up.
It can be difficult to identify an emotional trigger but you can learn how to do so in my blog. Also, you can read about emotional triggers in my free ebook. Keep in mind, it can be a painful process to become aware of a trigger. Please, always remember to practice self-compassion when identifying your past hurts.
Another surprising communication challenge is ‘the act of asking questions’. Yes, that’s right, asking a question can ignite an argument. In my blog, Communication breakdown because of what, really? , I discuss and share examples of how a simple, and seemingly innocent, question can cause conflict.
Questions can be ‘cornering’. For example, ask yourself this: “are you looking for a specific answer when you ask a question?” Such as, “where were you tonight”? You may already know that your partner is not being truthful about where they have been, therefore, your question is an attempt to corner them when you already know that they have not been truthful. So be direct: tell them you know that they have not been truthful. If you are direct rather than ‘cornering’ you can feel confident in how you communicate with your partner.
Another example is to ask yourself this: are you making an accusation when you ask a question? Such as in this question: “do you really love me”? This may seem like an innocent question but can be felt like you are accusing your partner of not loving you.
When asking questions, try to be clear with yourself as to what you are seeking when you ask a ‘simple’ question. Read more in my blog about the complications of questions!
And finally, listening is a huge challenge when it comes to communication! In my blog, “Are you Listening to me” I discuss the various ways in which people respond to each other rather than deeply and actively listening. The truth is, what most of us want when we share anything with another person is to feel understood. Often, when we do not feel understood, we feel alone and lonely in our pain. Listening and feeling understood by our partner allows for a deepened connection. We feel loved and supported. Even during conflict, it is necessary to actively listen (this is discussed in my blog!) in an attempt to understand the side of our partner and for them to understand you.
Communication is something that requires consistency in learning. Stay on top of it and you will find that you will get better and better. Your confidence will increase and your love for each other will deepen. But, keep learning, it’s the only way!
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If you want to learn more about relationships – I wrote this for you “Ten Essential Things I’ve Learned About Marriage & Relationships” I’ve included the lesson that saved my marriage. I care about the work that I put out to you, and I hope you find it helpful. Let me know!
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Details of any stories told in my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people that I work with in therapy.