“I’m so stressed!!” We say this all the time. The problem with stress is that we rarely dig deeper into exploring what we actually mean when we say we are stressed. I am not denying the existence of stress. Life is hard. Life is busy. Clearly, stress takes its toll on us. We know that illness can be the direct result of stress, some say that 80% of illness is due to stress! This is why it is worth looking a bit deeper into what causes us to be stressed.
A deeper look into stress:
Stress is all too often used as a universal term to describe what we go through in our lives. However, what we actually need to ask ourselves is:What am I feeling and why?
This is a challenging question for many because our culture encourages us to shut our emotions down, and bury them as if they don’t exist. When I ask a question about “emotion” in the therapy room many people struggle to identify what it is that they feel. AND, all too often, people believe that they are expressing what they are feeling when in fact, they are not. Let’s take the following phrase as an example. “I feel that I have too much to do. I go to work, I take care of the house and I do all the cooking!” Notice that there is not one emotion in that statement. Just because we use the words “I feel” does not mean that we are actually identifying a feeling. The emotions in this example could be “overwhelmed, bitter, and resentful”. These are feelings that are often painful to express to others. However, when we don’t identify what we are feeling we never really get to the root cause of our stress. We say that we are stressed with a sort of resolve, assuming that this is life and we should accept it as it is. And yet, like I said, many illnesses are caused by what we refer to as stress. If we don’t explore the cause of our stress or the emotions behind it we will continue to feel helpless instead of asking ourselves if there is something that we can do differently. In regard to stress, it is managing our stress hormone (cortisol) that is actually what is important. Meditation, self-care, yoga, nature walks or whatever is supportive to you: all of this is necessary. For example, it you are going through grief, it is necessary to manage the stress of grief that takes a toll on our mind and body. (In this specific example we are fully aware that it is grief that we are going through and the emotions that go with grief are causing the feelings of stress).Examples of Stress & Emotions:
~ You give so much to others in your life: yes, this causes stress and yet, you may have a difficult time receiving or letting others help you. Or perhaps others simply don’t help. You may feel depleted which then leads to a feeling of resentment and bitterness. ~ You seek approval and therefore impose unrealistic expectations on yourself: this leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed, and sometimes ‘shame’ due to a feeling of ‘not being enough’. ~ You struggle with perfectionism in some aspects of your life: the emotions that lie beneath perfectionism are fear and shame because we ‘fear’ that we will feel ‘shame’ if we make mistakes or if we receive criticism. ~ I could say that I feel stress when I write and then post my blog but the truth is that I go through many differing emotions! I feel vulnerable in sharing my thoughts publicly, and fear for many reasons. I fear that people will read my blog and won’t like it, and at the same time I feel fear that no one will read it! ~ Please feel free to share your emotions that ignite your stress in the comments section. It will be helpful to other readers!Stress & Relationships:
If you read my blog regularly (thank you!) you know that the majority of my blog is about relationships. I wanted to share with you the important challenge of stress and relationships. We tend to turn to our partners to vent our stress as a release, and rightly so. We are looking for support, validation, compassion, and empathy. Or at least one of those! Keep in mind that many of us have never been taught how to respond effectively to someone in need of this kind of response. You know what I’m talking about, that terrible feeling you have when you feel just awful for someone who is venting the challenges of their life and you don’t know what to say. And it is likely that when you are stressed, you will not get the response that you need. However, if you express the emotions that are igniting your stress, such as ‘I am frightened that if I don’t work overtime at work, I will lose my job” or “I’m sometimes fearful that I will be judged if I am anything less than perfect” or “I feel depleted because I’ve had so much on my plate these past few weeks” you may find that you receive the response you are looking for. Expressing the emotions allows your partner to visualize the stress factors and understand what you are feeling. Stress is a broad term that we use to describe different life challenges and we do ourselves a disservice when we categorize them into the catch-all phase “I am stressed”. Why? Well because, like I said earlier, we need compassion, understanding, and support when we are experiencing ‘stress’. Using the word stress will most likely get a limited compassionate response. We are all stressed and the response might be “well you want to talk about stress, let me tell you what my day looks like!” The use of feeling words provides the listener with a deepened understanding as to what you are going through. In my example that I shared about the feelings I go through regarding my blog I provided you with a deepened understanding of some of the feelings I experience as opposed to simply sharing with you that I am stressed. If I had said, “I am stressed in writing and posting my blog”, I wouldn’t have really shared with you what I go through. BUT, if I say that “I feel fearful and vulnerable posting my personal thoughts and feelings online and this causes me stress”, well that provides you a clearer picture of my stress! And hopefully, sharing a clearer picture will ultimately meet your need of supportive love and understanding. That response is what will help reduce your stress!* * * * *
If you want to learn more about relationships – I wrote this for you “Ten Essential Things I’ve Learned About Marriage & Relationships” I’ve included the lesson that saved my marriage. I care about the work that I put out to you, and I hope you find it helpful. Let me know! Subscribe (to the right) to keep up with my writing on relationships, random thoughts and more. And know that I respect your email privacy. One more thing… I really would love for you to share your thoughts with me. It’s not easy to do, I understand because it took me a long time to work up the courage to begin blogging! But I want to get to know you. When you feel ready, please feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comment section. And, if you would like me to blog about a specific topic – let me know! If you think this blog will help a friend, please share it with them or share it on Facebook and Twitter! Details of any stories told in my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people that I work with in therapy. Photo Credit: Bernard Goldbach@flickr.com