It happened on Valentine’s Day. Some view this day as ‘forced intimacy’ while others view it as an ‘opportunity’ to express love. Both my husband and myself fall somewhere in the middle. An exchange of cards is the acknowledgement of our love for each another and of the day itself.
This past Valentines Day my husband asked me if I would like him to pick up sushi for me for when I would get home from work. I work late and I usually get home late in the evening. My husband and I are on different schedules during the week, as he starts early and finishes mid-day. What a nice gesture, I thought. It would be lovely to come home and enjoy some sushi and perhaps a glass of wine together.
As the thought rolled around in my head, something occurred to me: was my husband implying that he was going to hold off on eating dinner and wait until I got home to eat together as I had imagined? I approached him (we see each other briefly in the afternoon) and asked him if he was going to have sushi with me. He said, “I didn’t actually think of that”. He saw the look on my face and I saw that look of “did I screw up here?” written all over his face.
You see, I didn’t really care about the sushi. I don’t really eat very much that late in the evening. I interpreted his offer of sushi as something that we would enjoy together. He, on the other hand, thought it would be nice for me to have sushi waiting in the refrigerator when I came home from work.
Funny thing is, when I share this encounter with my female clients, they draw the same conclusion that I did: my husband was inviting me to have sushi with him. And when I share this encounter with my male clients they immediately tell me that he was asking if “I’ wanted sushi, and he would have it waiting for me in the refrigerator when I came home from work. It was interesting that both the women and the men drew their own conclusions as if it were completely obvious!
This encounter is a perfect example of something that couples go through and it is one of the biggest challenges for men and women in a relationship. So what’s going on? As I break this down, remember that it is important to not blame a challenge on one gender or another; we are simply trying to connect with one another through ‘understanding’.
The Great Divide between Men & Women:
First, let’s take a look at gender differences and how they impact relationships. I don’t like to generalize but for the sake of this blog, I am going to do so. And while some aspects of generalizations are true, it is necessary to find differences even within generalizations.
All of us are influenced by powerful messages through culture and society. It is clear that men have traditionally received cultural messages to be strong, independent, rational, and to stand on their own two feet. Cultural messages for women are traditionally more along the lines of being kind, compassionate, nurturing, and accommodating. And that just scratches the surfaces of the messages that men and women receive as children. Even if a family attempts to raise children with different ways of thinking to fight against these messages, the cultural influences are often more impactful.
How do these influences impact a relationship when men and women come together? Well, if women were influenced to be the nurturer, caretaker and so on, they have been influenced to be ‘relational’ whereas men have been influenced to be ‘independent’.
What happens when men believe they are to be independent and women are to be relational? First, let me preface this by saying that this does not mean that women are not independent and that men do not want relationships. It simply means that women tend to ‘think’ more relationally, meaning they have a ‘relational mindset’, while men have a mindset that is more along the lines of ‘independent thinking’. And these differences impact relationships.
In a nutshell, women say they want a partner, and men want to be in a relationship while maintaining a strong degree of independence.
“The challenge that many couples face is that women want to be ‘in’ a relationship rather than simply ‘have a relationship’ and men see ‘having’ and ‘being in’ a relationship as the same”
What is the difference?
When I begin work with a couple, I sometimes ask the following question: “can you present your relationship to me?” By that I mean I want them to describe it for me. I ask them to stay away from describing each other, and simply describe their relationship. I am often met with silence when I ask this question.
The reason that I ask this question is because a relationship is something that the two of you create together. When couples are unhappy, they often point the finger at each other or at themselves. And certainly we always need to consider what individual challenges we bring to our relationship and yet, we also need to look at our relationship as a ‘whole’, as something separate from our individuality.
Consider this: if two people were to create a ‘business’ together they would contribute their individual strengths (and challenges) to grow the business. But the business would have an identity of its own. We can view a relationship somewhat in the same way.
If you were to consider that a relationship is something that two people create just as two people would create a business, it’s becomes clear that the two people in a relationship need to pull it forward together for it to grow and be successful. The two of you can decide together what successful means to you. You create your own relationship model out of what you mutually want and do not want your relationship to be. And it does not need to look like anyone else’s model: it is unique to the two of you.
The challenge for men and women:
Men express to me that they feel it is their job to make a woman happy. Even men who describe themselves as ‘non-traditional’ men still feel that they are failing if their partner is not happy. And they feel as if they are failing if they are not providing for her, and protecting her.
However, it is not their responsibility to ‘make’ someone happy. Certainly you can do kind things for someone you love that will make them feel cherished, appreciated, and loved. But, here’s the thing: it’s burdensome for a woman to be ‘happy’ because a man feels that it’s his job. The happiness of a woman is not the barometer for happiness in a relationship. We are all responsible for our own happiness as an individual and two people create their own ‘relationship happiness’ together.
And it is burdensome for men to constantly feel they need to make a woman happy. It can be liberating for men to let go of this idea and work together to create relationship happiness.
What’s wrong with independence?
The answer is – absolutely nothing and more so; being independent is necessary for both men and women in relationship! It is healthy for us as individuals to have our own interests, hobbies, career, and life outside of our relationship. Independence feels awesome and it is empowering. Never give up being independent because you are in a relationship. Giving up independence is like giving up part of you.
The benefits of being a team:
The thing is, all of us need love, and connection. And working as a team makes for a more powerful relationship. Your relationship is stronger when you team up and when you work together. No one goes into a relationship hoping that it will end. The more you work at being a team, the chances are in your favor that you will stay together.
A big challenge for a man is to first accept that teaming up/partnering is actually better for them. Again, this does not mean that one needs to give up independence. Remember the analogy of a business model. You do not give up individuality to create a successful business but you do partner and work together. But this goes against cultural teaching, which makes it challenging. And women can work toward gaining a better understanding of the challenges men face. Cultural messages are powerful. Women can understand the power of cultural messages by recognizing how hard it is to feel positive about our body. Change does not come easily when influenced by the power of cultural impact, but that does not mean that we cannot move forward while challenging these messages.
I’ve always believed that we can come together through ‘understanding’. And remember, relationships are about balance. It is necessary to balance being relational and being independent. Both are equally important!
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