Would you hire an untrained plumber? A computer technology person without training? How about an untrained surgeon (yikes, that’s a scary thought!) It’s unlikely that you would hire someone who has been not been trained in their field. How does this connect to marriage? Read on 🙂
Marriage is hard work, period.
The myth of marriage:
“If your marriage is hard, it means that you are working hard.”
Let me explain!
You may feel like you are working hard, but there is a big difference between being in a challenging marriage and enduring it as opposed to having the tools needed to work hard in your marriage.
Think of someone who attempts to fix your plumbing without any tools, skills, and learned knowledge. They may try to fix your faulty pipes despite not knowing what to do and they may put in a lot of time and effort, but the hard work is productive when you have the tools, the knowledge, and the skills necessary to do the work.
The best part is that when you have these things in place, you begin to see the rewards. There is a payoff.
Someone who tries to fix your plumbing without the tools, skills and knowledge will become frustrated, hopeless of ever feeling like the leaky pipe will be fixed, and they will wear down and quit. I would, wouldn’t you?
That’s what happens in a marriage. Many go into a relationship without understanding that we need relationship knowledge. Maybe it is because we are in relationships our entire life that we do recognize that when in a romantic relationship or marriage that it is something we need to study. In my eBook, I state that we need to study it as a lifelong course. Again, the rewards are there for you if you do.
It’s a funny thing, when we want a plumber or surgeon or whatever it is, many will research to find the most skilled and reliable person for the job. But in marriage, how many research the skills that are needed for a long and lasting relationship.
It is easy to fall in love, it may be challenging to find our significant other but once we do…..falling in love is easy. Awesome really. Unfortunately, many stop there. Relief sets in that you found the one you love, and you settle in with one another.
And then it begins…..
Your partner hurts you
You hurt your partner
You don’t like the person you’ve become
And/or you don’t like the person that your has become
You find yourself doubtful and, at times, unhappy
You question if you’ve made a mistake.
You wonder if you should leave.
You ask yourself: How could I go from being so happy to feeling so miserable?
But then, things improve. Whew, relief sets in and the doubt is pushed away. You feel relief because you don’t want to leave your relationship.
But then, it’s back again. Fear and doubt return.
No one enters a relationship when they fall in love thinking “I sure hope this doesn’t work out and comes to an end soon.”
So now what?
Recently I saw a quote, “A relationship is a lesson or a blessing.” That quote should read, “A relationship is a lesson AND a blessing”! The best and most painful part of a relationship are the lessons we learn. The lessons we learn about ourselves and our partner. And it is the lessons that will help grow in yourself and your relationship.
So what can we learn?
You can learn about the challenges that you bring to your relationship (self-awareness). You can learn about your emotional triggers (insight). You can learn about your partners emotional triggers. You can learn how to engage productively in conflict. You can learn what creates connection and disconnection between the two of you. There is so much to learn!! I know, I make it sound overwhelming. It is the end result that is wonderful, meaning what you have learned. The process of learning, well I can do without. It’s painful. There are times that I’ve wished to stop growing. However, I always remind myself of the payoff. The more self-aware I am, the easier it is to be in my relationship. Actually, it is the learning that makes it easier for both of you. All of us crave and need connection, we just need to learn how to keep that connection with the one we love!
One more thing…..I really would love for you to share your thoughts with me. I know it is not easy to do! Believe me, I know, it took me a very long time to work up the courage to begin blogging! But I want to get to know you! When you feel ready, please feel free to share your thoughts with me in the comment section. Thanks for reading!
Here is my gift to you, my new e-Book! I’ve included the lesson that saved my marriage. I really care about the work that I put out to you and I hope it is helpful. Please let me know!
And you can keep up with my writing on relationships, random thoughts and more by subscribing here. I’m here to help and to know that you are out there reading means so much to me!
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Details of the any stories told in my any of my blogs have been changed to protect the identity of people that I work with in therapy.
Photo Credit Ju Young Lee@flickr.comShare